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I haven't really been able to settle my mind and focus on ... the depression is always looming and I keep fighting it off with trying to restructure and refocus my self talk and various distractions but it is still hovering. Sometimes writing helps, sometimes - given all the personal history tied up in this novel - it makes it worse. It really depends on me ...

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Still no yet today. The last bout of (), needing to get a new mattress and that really wrecking my lower back, realizing I have and getting a and trying to get used to sleeping with that ... I really haven't been getting better sleep. It's great that now I won't be not breathing everything 5 seconds but I feel like it's making me wake up 3 or 4 times a night as well. I dunno. I just need to get used to it I guess.

Did ZERO today. I feel like my novel is just really slipping away from me. I also am battling another bout of as I started this new indie game today and right off the bat, the plot of it has similar elements as my novel. When I was writing notes as a teenager everything I was working on felt so new ... now I'm pushing 50 and realizing there is nothing new about my story at all and in fact, if I ever finish it, people will probably say I stole everything from everywhere else.

Still stuck in the wrong character's mind ... gahhhhhh ... this is frustrating.

Both characters lost people they cared about in an accident and I'm writing about the memorial a year later. They have drastically different feelings about what happened and how they handle their own grief ... I started working on the section and I just really wasn't able to channel the level of conflict this one character has because I'm too much in the head of the other who is more ... flatline about it all ...

Bad day today ...
My main character is still roaming around in my head.

I usually write each character/section in order of the plot ... but as the story gets more complex it's taken me longer to work on each section. I spent a month working on this last section with her and then she was featured heavily in another character's chapter because of the reality hoping thing.

I need to clear my mind of her to move to this next section with a character who is SO different from her.

So my mattress is insanely hard. Maybe too hard. They said I can exchange it but I want to really give it some time. I have 90 days to decide so I want to at least give it a month.

My back pain hasn't subsided at all ... even with the mattress topper ... unless I have the base adjusted to basically a "zero g" position and I sleep on my back. I can no longer sleep on my side without lower back pain which sucks.

Bonus: My is awesome!

day today (I had to skip writing yesterday and play because I've been waiting on it for years).

Starting the last section of this chapter before I take some time to start outlining the next stage of the novel. The last few sections were about my reality jumping main character. I feel like I've been writing her for months (which I have). I need to kind of get her out of my brain so I can write this new section which is about someone else.

In other news my arrives sometime today and I have a call scheduled with a sleep doctor to walk me through it. It's a Phillips DreamStation and I heard those were good so we'll see. This will be my first time using anything like that so I hope that between that and my granite mattress, I will finally be able to sleep well and not wake up exhausted.

I almost went with MEDIUM FIRM but every time I do that with any other mattress it's ALWAYS too soft for me and I end up getting less than a year out of it before there's a sink hole in it and I have terrible pain.

This is going to take some getting used to. I ordered like a mattress topper that's like quilted and down feather just to give me a bit of cushion. I hope that will help.

The soreness is subsiding now that I have my "heat cape" on ... but yeah ... that was a hard night.

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New mattress arrived - TempurProAdapt (Firm)

It's .... fucking HARD and when I say HARD I don't mean ... "I love a hard mattress but no mattress I have ever gotten that says firm is actually firm enough for me so thank god for this" ... I mean "THIS IS A FUCKING MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICE made of granite" kind of hard.

It does sink in a little and I know all memory foam mattresses have a break-in period ... but I woke up all kinds of sore.

In the end it comes down to the fact that I'm not used to writing characters I disagree with or can't relate to and this guy is absolutely that kind of person. BUT as self indulgent as is ... I think there is something to be gained from forcing yourself into uncomfortable spaces and dealing with your own bias (as much as you possibly can) and pre/mis conceptions. Writing him well is going to be more challenging than the act of writing the book itself.

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Desperation kind of leads him to a place that forces him to change ... something I can certainly wrap my mind around. He becomes something he didn't anticipate and then pretty much loses himself.

him in such a way that the readers can understand that and rally behind him, even root for him, until he does things that become unforgivable is the real challenge.

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He doesn't start bad ... well ... maybe he does ... it's hard to really say. I think he's a normal dude but then he comes under the influence of something that changes him. I think what he wants is change in his life ... in his relationships ... in his future ... and be believes that he can achieve it by certain means but he kind of gets usurped by his own ambition and his beliefs get twisted up and turn into something else entirely. He's not ... BAD ... but he is ... broken.

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There are really only two main males (that have a voice/perspective) in the story. There's plenty on the periphery who support others, but only two that you really get a full on perspective from. One of them is ... easy-ISH to write, even though I haven't introduced him yet. He's a tech head, misunderstood by his people, striving to leave his mark on the world and prove something to those who doubted him. I can relate to him and he's . The other guy ... well ... he's ... nearly a stalker.

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Many of these characters were very clear cut ... forming out of the mind of a pre-teen with very few viewpoints of the world beyond my little bubble. The people I knew weren't terribly complicated and if they were I had no concept of that.

Now, of course, I know how complicated life and people can be and I managed to write that into many of the characters as I adapted them to my new world perspective. This guy though ... I feel like he's going to ruin my hope of ever finishing this novel.

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He was originally "the villain" of the story ... but as I grew older and the story evolved he became a very different kind of character ... much more complicated too as far as his real motivations and his character progression.

He HAS to be written as someone you like and feel sorry for ... someone who you kind of cheer on until you can't anymore. Until he just becomes the thing you don't want him to be but that he has little choice in becoming.

It feels way beyond my abilities as a writer.

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On the front ... I'm adding the next batch of characters to the story soon and one is really intimidating me. It's a male character and I don't really do well with males ... aside from just finding them generally repulsive and useless, I have zero positive references.

He was conceived with many of the other characters when I was a pre-teen ... I didn't hate men back then but I also didn't really know any. I think he was a conglomeration of boys I vaguely knew and played soccer with.

So now I have a coming sometime at the end of this week as well and hopefully I can start feeling better on that end.

It seems like since I've had my surgery (which really did give me my life back) all these other issues that I didn't have the focus or ability to deal with ... are now crashing down hard on me and I have to address them finally.

I just ... really want to be able to live my life finally ... Is it ever going to happen or does it just get worse and worse from here ...?

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