Still no yet today. The last bout of (), needing to get a new mattress and that really wrecking my lower back, realizing I have and getting a and trying to get used to sleeping with that ... I really haven't been getting better sleep. It's great that now I won't be not breathing everything 5 seconds but I feel like it's making me wake up 3 or 4 times a night as well. I dunno. I just need to get used to it I guess.

I haven't really been able to settle my mind and focus on ... the depression is always looming and I keep fighting it off with trying to restructure and refocus my self talk and various distractions but it is still hovering. Sometimes writing helps, sometimes - given all the personal history tied up in this novel - it makes it worse. It really depends on me ...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my friend ... so many people say I should have gotten over it by now ... because I was so young but they have no idea how it feels to lose someone in such a way, someone you loved so much. Writing her name when there are scenes with her in my novel is hard ... I purposely didn't give her character a perspective because I didn't feel it was my place to try and create a version of her that had my own thoughts and voice .... it's still hard.

We were the (s)heroes in the story we created but I changed my character to be ... much less me ... I really couldn't bear that. I didn't change her character too much, she's still kind of frozen in time as far as personality, voice, and actions ... but it's impossible for me to write about this relationship sometimes ... it feels like sick wish fulfillment ... so I drastically changed the main character as much as I could to make her far from me but still in spirit me ... if that makes sense.

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As the plot gets harder and harder to write, I find myself struggling more and more just with my shit level of writing skills ...

Today is a day I feel like quitting.
Tomorrow ... we'll see.

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