Still no #writing yet today. The last bout of #chronicpain (#sciatica), needing to get a new mattress and that really wrecking my lower back, realizing I have #sleepapnea and getting a #CPAP and trying to get used to sleeping with that ... I really haven't been getting better sleep. It's great that now I won't be not breathing everything 5 seconds but I feel like it's making me wake up 3 or 4 times a night as well. I dunno. I just need to get used to it I guess.
I haven't really been able to settle my mind and focus on #writing ... the depression is always looming and I keep fighting it off with trying to restructure and refocus my self talk and various distractions but it is still hovering. Sometimes writing helps, sometimes - given all the personal history tied up in this novel - it makes it worse. It really depends on me ...
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my friend ... so many people say I should have gotten over it by now ... because I was so young but they have no idea how it feels to lose someone in such a way, someone you loved so much. Writing her name when there are scenes with her in my novel is hard ... I purposely didn't give her character a perspective because I didn't feel it was my place to try and create a version of her that had my own thoughts and voice .... it's still hard.
As the plot gets harder and harder to write, I find myself struggling more and more just with my shit level of writing skills ...
Today is a day I feel like quitting.
Tomorrow ... we'll see.
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